Wherever you go, there you are

Have you ever been to a vacation, some other place away from home or take time off work and felt all your problems have vanished? Yet when you came back everything that you left behind came pouring down on you like rain on an autumn day?

I know I have, and not only once. In such cases, the easiest for us is to blame the place, the home, the town or even the country. Or to blame the people that surround us at work or at home. It’s always something’s or somebody else’s fault. We might take radical decisions to leave the country or quit our jobs hoping for a better future that we create for ourselves.

The problem is that after a while, after the hope and the excitement that come with a new beginning have passed, we find ourselves with the same problems as in the place we have left behind. Why? Because it is us who create the environment, it is us who position ourselves in a certain way in our relationships with others. And this lands us in the same place every time with the same problems and the same failures. Basically, as Jon Kabat-Zin entitled his mindfulness meditation book: ‘wherever you go, there you are’.

We tend to associate emotions with people, places or situations and most of the associations are done during our childhood. As adults, when our brain spots similar people, places or situations it brings back the old emotions without taking the time to analyze the situation. It’s an old protection mechanism and it is still helpful sometimes.  For example, it is helpful when we associate positive emotions to something and we just go there or meet that person and we recharge ourselves in a heartbeat. Think about a dear place or a dear person from your childhood that you visit as an adult. It fills your heart with joy instantly.  When we find ourselves in a situation that triggers negative emotions, the mechanism is the same, only this time it is detrimental to us, not helpful. Even as adults, spending time in a place where unpleasant things happen to us or with people with whom we generate negative emotions, creates this mechanism, and we end up associating the place or the people with these emotions. We can choose to run away each time, to a new beginning. This creates an unstable life and shallow relationships with the people around us. Eventually, we will get tired of running each time. Or we can choose to stay, truly look at ourselves deep down inside, decide to change and break the cycle.

More than 10 years ago, as I was climbing the ladder in the corporate world, I discovered coaching. I liked it from the start, it was such a humane and caring way to interact with others. It was comforting me, both as a client and as a coach. It took me by surprise how two people that barely know each other can connect at such a deep and meaningful level and can have a dialog that is so enriching for both, just by following some simple rules. Of course it takes practice for the coach to master those rules, but to me it was such an enjoyable activity that I was willing to practice it again and again and never got tired.

As I got deeper into the learning and the practice, I was so glad to discover the International Coaching Federation. I loved the way it brought the structure that we all need nowadays, to an otherwise old and unshaped practice. For me, ICF has what it takes to turn this practice into a modern profession:  a set of core competencies needed by a coach, levels that certify the experience a coach has, and most importantly a code of ethics that all coaches should follow. So, I got certified.

Finally, I left my job in the corporate world and become a professional coach to follow my passion but also in the hope that I will have more free time, more freedom to make my schedule the way I wanted, to do things I could not do before, or so I thought. But even with this big change in my life, after a while, I found myself in the same place as before, with a huge burden and a very long to do list. Only this time it was with house chores or looking after my children and not job-related tasks as before. Long story short, I changed the scenery, but not the actor. Until I dug deep into myself, analyzed my behavior and made a conscious decision to do differently every day, I was in the same situation as before.

What was the hardest for me in this transformational journey it was that at the beginning I could see the problem, I wanted to change but I did not know how. Because I have lived my entire life in a certain way, I could not even imagine a different way of being. But with the help of a coach, I started small, a small change here, another one there and with small steps I started to see the other side of the coin and truly change my life. External support is crucial in this part of the journey as Albert Einstein said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” So, we need somebody whom we can share this and that can look at us with a fresh, untainted mind and that has no other interest in our lives but to support us getting to where we want to be. This is why professional help of a coach or a therapist is so crucial during the journey.

Why I chose coaching for this journey and what I love most about it is that coaching does not see people as broken beings that need fixing, there is no judgement in the coaching interaction. It rather considers the current behavior of the person as a result of its experiences without trying to delve into the past: this is the way things are. Rather than search for reasons of why things are the way they are, coaching focuses on painting an accurate picture of the present behavior and constructing a realistic desire behavior that will serve more the client in his future endeavors. Another approach that makes coaching so impactful in a person’s life is the way it handles responsibility for the results. The coach does not cripple the client by giving solutions to the problems or by telling the client what to do, they rather accompany them, without leading, into finding their own solution and taking responsibility for the actions and the results.

After we start and take the first steps into this courageous journey of changing our thoughts, behaviors and attitudes we will notice that the places clean-up of negative emotions. We realize how we contribute to the harmful relationships and by changing our part, the whole relationship changes. In some cases, after having spent some time in this journey we find that we have outgrown some places or some people and they disappear from our lives but this happens organically and effortlessly for us. We find ourselves in a happier place and living a happier life because we have changed ourselves, and no matter where we go, we create this happiness there because we are the creators of our own lives.

Now, no matter what life has in hold for me, taking care of my needs and making time for myself will always be there with me, because I changed myself and the environment has changed with me.

 

“You wander from room to room hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck.”

– Rumi

 

Find that diamond necklace and wear it consciously every day! You deserve it!

https://coachingfederation.ro/wp-content/uploads/2024/08/Elena-Cristina-Hartup-ICF-Romania.webp

Despre autor

Elena Hartup

Elena is a PCC from ICF and a former IT professional with more than 10 years of management experience and more than 700 hours of coaching practice. She specializes in accompanying clients through transitions both in their careers or personal lives. To her, coaching is more than a profession it’s a calling, it’s her way of making a mark in the world.

Punctele de vedere și opiniile exprimate în articolele invitaților, prezentate pe acest blog, aparțin autorului și nu reflectă neapărat opiniile și punctele de vedere ale Federației Internaționale de Coaching (ICF). Publicarea unui articol aparținând unui invitat pe blogul ICF Romania nu echivalează cu aprobarea sau susținerea din partea ICF Romania a produselor sau serviciilor furnizate de autor.
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